Rocky Hyperspace Picture Show
Thirteen pilots gathered to be taken on a strange journey. (How strange was it? So strange they made a movie about it! NO, NOT THE MISSION REPORT, THE MOVIE!)
It seemed a fairly ordinary night when RadMax and her maggot Framerate, two ordinary, healthy kids (ORDINARY?), met at Fort Tyler early that evening. It’s true that the warp core of Cloudbuster was badly in need of some juice. (LIKE YOUR NECK!) It’s true also that the transmitter was hastily mounted on RadMax’s new ship and Trinity, the primary groove backup, suffered its first mechanical when the chain collapsed from its rightful place. (LIKE YOUR NECK!) But having been energized by the romantic chocolate-coated strawberries Framerate had bought for their trial, they weren’t going to let a simple mechanical spoil the events of their evening.
Lordmcfuzz took off to assist Leotard while BradCat took photos of Antlerocky and Janetger (SLUT!) and baby maggot doppelson tried out his first fleet ship, DB Cooper. Once Trinity arrived, RadMax christened a rockin’ new HARV “Funk’n’Furter,” mission objectives were declared, and we took off through the Somerville System with “Science Fiction/Double Feature” blasting from Trinity’s sonic disruptors. But the first chorus had scarcely passed when a call went up of “Company halt!” A cheapy3po had been jettisoned and was given up for lost.
The fleet flew for a few short minutes before the first shore leave. A sexy mime in a top hat - wait, that was just couscous - had sent out a distress call, and his fort was packed with CBUs who had responded as well as one adorable canine class android. By that time, beer molecules were in short supply, as was any kind of steering dampener except for a strange, disgusting concoction called “chocolate wine” which tasted like none of the above.
Outside, a CBU who was taking a deathstick break marveled at Antlerocky’s seemingly superhuman abilities to resist cold, flying clad in only a sporran and a set of gold briefs. As shore leave concluded, pilots and partygoers gathered in the driveway to do the Time Warp, confusing the CBU neighbors on the first floor.. The fleet flew out of there before anyone could ask them “Say! Any of you guys know how to Madison?”
Navigator Lordmcfuzz led the fleet towards Harvard Constellation, doing a brief flyby of Sanders Castle before realizing that CASTLES DON’T HAVE PHONES, ASSHOLE! The playlist was alternating the Rocky Horror soundtrack (to which Leotard, Framerate, and Janetger could be heard singing along) and glamtastic rock tunes like Bowie and Queen. So by the time the intrepid pilots passed the derelict AMC Loews Castle, where the late night double feature picture show was screened weekly for so many years, the Time Warp was again on blast. Leotard, who is rumored to have been a regular guest in the castle’s 80stastic heyday, did the Time Warp complete with jump to the left, step to the ri-i-i-i-ight, knees in tight, and pelvic thrust WHILE flying Trinity down Planet Mt. Auburn, to the admiration of all who could see.
On our way to the secluded open-air castle, the fleet encountered some STs, who were friendly once they realized that our mission objectives did not include sabotage of the Head of the Charles Heavy Nebula Traversal Boogaloo. At a dangerous force field-less overlook of the heavy nebula, Pastry Queen joined up with the mission having answered a distress call of her own, because that fabulous purple glitter makeup just demanded to be showed off. The fleet then arrived at the open-air castle. As Framerate saucily lounged on the stairs, one could almost see them shiver with antici…
After a few minutes for unsavory snacks and fuel dumps, this beautiful creature was destined to be KNIGHTED! The knightsaber had not been brought along, and Centvrion was briefly considered as a knighting implement, but when someone asked Framerate if they wanted to be knighted with the kinky flamingo hitching a ride on Trinity, they responded “Heck yeah!” And so they promised to ride eternal on the Fury Road and be the superhero version of themselves, they were anointed Framerate of SCUL, hugs were given all around, and the fleet had to DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
But as with the first Time Warp, the groove cut out after the first chorus. Janetger was disappointed because she had been looking forward to more jumps to the left, but someone said “it’s over,” which caused her and Leotard to take a brief detour to the Steven Universe, returning after a Preponderance of Feels caused them to stop.
The fleet progressed along the heavy nebula, Pastry Queen burning up at one point. The transmitter had had some encounters with flying salad and was swooping back and forth like windshield wipers (ASSHOLE-SLUT, ASSHOLE-SLUT), and less than a quarter light year after the fleet’s flyby of the neon-lit Coolidge Corner Castle (CASTLES DON’T HAVE PHONES, ASSHOLE!) it jettisoned from Funk N’ Furter, and another pilot almost ran it over mistaking it for space junk. DrClaw cautioned everyone to stay clear, and some wookiee work began while others checked out an odd rental civilian cruiser in Luna Trader Joe’s parking lot.
Following the intrepid Lordmcfuzz, we flew casual through the wormholes of Wentworth and Northeastern, and steering dampener-imbibing CBUs gave high fives all around. Back in the Cambridge System, the fleet circled a small black hole many times before returning to the launch pad. A medal of some sort (help me!) was awarded to Tard for taking on radiobox duty last second. Janetger nominated Antlerocky for Chic for his impressive golden briefs, and Leotard and Framerate for Chic for just looking awesome. Doppelson was hazed and found to carry the
Charles Atlas SCUL seal of approval (AR AR AR!) RadMax reported that despite the abundance of corsets, our mission was NOT a failure, our lifestyles NOT too extreme.