Soggy Space Matzah
Chag sameach! So you've decided to host a seder in space. The creature comforts of home (sinks, brisket/vegan brisket alternative, flush toilets -- wait, you're eating matzah, right? congratulations, you don't have to dump solid waste) may not always be close at hand in the harsh landscape of the void.
However, if there's one quality SCUL and Israelites share, it's a knack for a. wandering and b. adapting to less than optimal conditions.
We may not be able to rely on Walgreens to stay open when we want it to be, but we'll always have each other. And Dumpsters. And remember: CROSSING PICKET LINES IS NOT KOSHER.
In the spirit of the holiday, this convenient Hyperdrive Haggadah has been compiled so that even in the midst hurtling through deep space, pilots, maggots, and friends of all faiths and creeds may come together in the spirit of community and unity, to celebrate our liberation from bondage.
THE SEDER PLATE
Plates made of plant pulp are preferable, as they can be more easily stowed.
* ZEROA: A bone with the meat removed to symbolize the Paschal sacrifice. Alternatively, a beet dripping blood-red juice.
* BEITZAH: Do you really want to bring an egg into space? Probably not. Luckily, the Christians are having their weird zombie fertility festival around this time and fake eggs are everywhere.
* MAROR: Bitter herbs, which are weirdly delicious for the fact that they represent the mortar with which we had to build the pyramids.
* KARPAS: Veggies to nibble on! Make sure to dip them in your tears before you get your necessary vitamins. Remember: ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT SCURVY.
* CHAROSET: AKA the most delicious thing ever. Bring triple the amount you think you'll need because Cousin Tanager will nom the heck out of it.
* ORANGE: Queer people are cool. So is community.
Before launching your Seder, designate someone to hide the afikoman somewhere. The Seder cannot end until it is found.
Be sure to have the Passover Theme ready to keep pilots feeling freylach.
KADESH: Gather on the launch pad. Have the Seder Leader count heads, hand out small cups, and ask all assembled not to lose them. Some people will still lose them, but good thing you brought extras!
Take a big sip of Maneschewe-schlitz. Call all who are hungry to come and eat.
URCHATZ: We'll just pretend our hands are clean.
(The following steps can and should be completed out of order.)
KARPAS: Fly by a body of salt water, to represent the bitter tears of our ancestors in slavery, those trapped in the slavestations nearby, and those displaced from their homes by the glass monstrosities that seem to multiply every time we fly through the seaport.
The Four Questions:
Why is this flight different from all other flights?
On other flights we eat all manner of unsavory snacks: on this flight only matzah.
On other flights we drink all sorts of steering dampener: on this flight only Maneschewe-schlitz.
On other flights we try not to fall over when drinking steering dampener: on this flight we lean ourselves and our ships to the left while drinking, trying not to drop the ships or our cups.
On other flights we take many kinds of routes: on this flight we take only side streets, winding paths and narrow escapes over water, perfect to annoy whoever's flying Cloudbuster.
The Four Types of Food:
The wise food, who hail us cosmic wanderers when we fly by and offer high fives and posi vibes,
The wicked food, who park their transports in the spaceship lane and would see us torn asunder by their reckless ways,
The simple food, who only gape,
And those who do not even see us, being too consumed with their protocol droids.
THE PASSOVER STORY:
A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, things were pretty negi for Israelites in Egypt. Being enslaved be like that.
The Israelites say "hey God, can we get a little help here?" So God has a look around, finds this hoopy frood who knew where his staff was named Moses, and decides he could give the Israelites a hand. They set a bush on fire to let Moses know that he's been chosen. Then They order Moses to go tell old Pharaoh, "Let My People Go." Pharaoh doesn't listen and instead makes things worse, so God makes things worse with ten plagues, which start out kind of funny (the river turns to blood and it rains frogs) but things escalate pretty quickly (everyone gets painful boils, darkness envelops the land, and all the firstborn Egyptian kids die). Moses has a cheat code he gives to all the Israelites (put lamb blood on your door) so that the Angel of Death skips their houses.
Guess which one the angel doesn't skip? THE PALACE. So even though the Egyptian commoners get hit with the brunt of the plagues and Pharaoh was safe in his palace and largely unaffected by the whole thing, he can't ignore the fact that his own kid just died. So then Pharaoh's like "OK, you're scary, GTFO."
The Israelites have no time for their dough to rise so they just took the raw stuff in their packs and baked it on flat rocks in the desert, and literally no one liked it then and no one likes it now so it's called the "bread of affliction." However: there's nowhere to poop in the desert and nothing to wipe your bum with either, so count your blessings!
But anyway, Pharaoh changes his mind and decides he wanted his slaves back, so sends out a big-ass army to trap the Israelites. Things aren't looking so hot, because on one side is the big-ass army and one side is the Red Sea. But Moses hits the water with his super-staff, God makes the sea part and the Israelites walk through on dry land, and Pharaoh evidently doesn't hear the booming "STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS" from the sky, because then the sea closes up again and drowns old Pharaoh, army and all.
TL;DR -- they tried to kill us, they didn't, let's eat!
SECOND CUP: If you find the way to your first stop obstructed, you may have to wander for a little while more. Watch out for food who have imbibed their share of Manischewischlitz already.
Once you reach your second waystation, lean to the left, don't drop your ship, and drink!
RACHATZA: Just pretend your hands are clean. Alternatively wash them in the river, but geese are pooping there. Don't recommend.
MOTZI-MATZAH: Everyone say a blessing (or pretend you know it) and eat a cracker!
MAROR: For the second time, HOW can horseradish represent such a terrible thing and yet be so delicious?
KORECH: Hillel was a genius. What a tasty sandwich. Horseradish, apples, nuts, dates, and bread of affliction? That's all you need.
ELIJAH'S CUP: Ship cupholders probably won't stay upright. Instead, leave a seat for him on the front of Iridium so he can join the seder whenever he wants and leave just as quickly once he realizes how hard it is to stay on that while smashed on Manischew-schlitz.
SHULCHAN ORECH: Luna Walgreens closes at midnight?! That's OK! Someone brought kosher for passover pesto, I hope. All this matzah is making my throat scratchy.
PYRAMIDS: It is counted as one of the mitzvot to buzz past as many space pyramids as possible during a Space Seder.
NARROW ESCAPE OVER WATER: How's Wombat doing? The Radiation has been parted by Cloudbuster's mighty antenna!
THIRD CUP: It might be that by this point, your wanderings have taken you to a public place, in which case it is advisable to drink grape juice.
TZAFUN: This Seder can't end till we find the afikomen. Crazy Uncle Threespeed hid it well, where a rat can't get it. Maybe too well. 75 points to whoever finds it! You might have to do some heavy lifting.
FOURTH CUP: Medal of Patronage to Snow for making us such delicious and kosher for Passover dampener!
NIRTZAH: Passover begins on a Wenznite in 5780. Next year, in breathable atmosphere!
Wait to sing your favorite festive songs till you're back at base, even though it might be tempting to serenade the Market Bucket parking lot with a chorus of "Dayenu." Silent Running is in effect.